Mother's Guilt

Every mother I know feels guilt at one time or another. We feel guilty for leaving our kids in other people’s care…even when going to work is not a choice, but a necessity. We feel guilty for not breastfeeding our babies…even if we tried everything we possibly could but that baby would just not latch on. We also feel guilty when our kids are sick…even if we did everything we could to keep them healthy.

At one time I felt extremely guilty about Ryan’s allergies – that I had somehow caused him to be allergic to our world. Was it because I was eating too many additives? Or maybe because we used the wrong kind of paint when we redecorated our kitchen? Should I have quit working night shifts when I was pregnant with him? Is he allergic to milk because the only food I craved was chocolate? Is he allergic to peanuts because I didn’t eat any peanuts throughout the pregnancy? If the allergies are my fault, then it’s also my fault that he suffered so much with eczema when he was a baby. And it will be my fault if he has a bad reaction…and it will be my fault if that reaction rips him away from us.

This is the guilt that held us back from trying for a third child. We were lucky to have one healthy girl…and we were finally getting a handle on all of Ryan’s medical concerns. At the beginning of our marriage we had dreamed of having three children, but I couldn’t imagine dealing with infantile eczema again – watching another baby suffer the way that Ryan did. So, we were gently closing the door on baby number three when fate stuck its foot in the door.

Rebecca was five, and just about to start Senior Kindergarten, when my husband accepted a job at a new company. We had six weeks to sell our house, buy a new one, and move to a town over three hours away where we had no friends and family. It was a stressful time…but we did it. And to add to the stress, a few weeks later we were surprised to find that I was pregnant.

After Sarah was born, I was paranoid that she would develop allergies. I was sure that every spot that formed on her skin would turn into eczema. I convinced myself that every runny poop meant that she would become allergic to milk. I was bracing myself for the guilt I would feel for having a second allergic child.

Sarah is now two years old and I’ve stopped obsessively looking for signs because she’s not allergic to anything yet. I am so grateful that Sarah came to us…not only because she’s a great kid…but because she lifted some of the guilt from my shoulders.